I'm having a very difficult time concentrating today on work, even before learning of the school shooting in Connecticut. I can't imagine what those parents are going through and don't want to.
The blog was supposed to serve as a place to jot down memories of our baby, who is now 7 months old; we have been lax and as those early days slip further and further away it is harder to remember what was going on. The very first days of exhaustion and constant feeding and changing are dim. Somehow we were chipper until day 4, when the nursing issues really became painful. Trying to take a nap and failing because I was so wired and on edge thinking about the baby, who was perfectly fine. Failing horribly at keeping any sense of perspective. There is no perspective in the early days. The impossibility of fitting nursing, diaper changes, soaks for me, mandated morning sun exposure, naps, eating, pumping and washing pump parts was overwhelming. Daily crying about that.
At some point, maybe when Josh was done with school, Eleanor was sleeping pretty well, waking three times a night or so, or putting together 4 and 3 and 3 hours of sleep, which felt amazing. Around 3 weeks or 4 weeks maybe. Josh would get up with her at 5am and take her and Kima to the park for unfettered squirrel time. She did better and better at sleeping until we went up to Amherst to get her tongue tie taken care of around 7-8 weeks, and the change of scenary messed things up. She had started to sleep through the night. But there were also times - those first three weeks? Later? when we would be up with her for an hour each time she woke.
She stayed in the co-sleeper next to us for four months; Josh and I switched sides of the beds occasionally, sometimes it was better for me to be right there, but when my back was bad it helped to have him hand her to me. Towards the end of that period I would fall asleep with my hand on her chest next to me to help her go back to sleep. And then it became clear that her snorting and snuffling and slamming of arms was going to be too much even for my earplugs to drown out, and we moved her, in the cosleeper-bassinet, into her own room.
The earplugs were essential. They are still essential. I should buy stock in earplugs.
We have the videos...there were smiles and giggles from about 4 weeks, then more and more. Tummy time was always no fun. The pediatrician at around 4 weeks recommended getting a pack n play set up downstairs so that we could easily keep her from the dog, and that was a miracle. Of course! Up until then we had been setting her in a moses basket on a table or the couch, or in her rocker chair.
Mom and Dad, do you remember the first bath we gave her, and Dad had our meat thermometer out to take the temperature of the water, and I started freaking out and crying because it was so pointy and so close to Eleanor? It was about 4 feet away. But sleep deprivation wreaks havoc with your spatial awareness. This is why new parents are always bumping into doorframes and walls.
To combat the PPD the therapist wanted me to get an hour of morning light. I didn't get up until 10 most mornings, trying to sleep in as best I could with the baby. Once Eleanor started sleeping more the therapist still wanted me to come for visits, but really, my PPD was entirely sleep-related. The remainder of my problems were the nursing/tongue tie troubles, and getting myself healed up enough to go for walks (this was still a major problem in late July, at 3 months. Remember). She couldn't help me with those.
The mom's groups were great but it was hard to get a word in edgewise. No big deal. It was a lot like dating - you find someone who you might mesh with and you try to get them alone, go out for lunch. It has sort of worked, but everyone is so busy. The moms that are back to work now, we don't hang out with the stay at homes. Or at least, I don't.
Eleanor started sitting by herself right before Halloween - the photos of her with the pumpkin were taken quickly, both my eyes open to see if she was falling over. She could roll a little then, I think. But no serious rolling until 7 months. Between 4 and 6 months she was in the Bumbo, starting to eat foods. That process was stressful for me - what to feed her? how much? how often? every day? every other day? until it became a routine like everything else. Like bathtime. Like bedtime.
She had that cold in September, three weeks into Daycare. Sometime around then her sleeping went to hell and I lost my mind again, just for a few days. I think we were starting to get rid of the pacifier. When was that? 4-5 months? When she was still in the cosleeper but in her own room. Thank god we got rid of the pacifier. She just falls asleep now. Like a boss.
She is trying to eat Cheerios since Thanksgiving, getting a little better every day.
We took her out to eat at Lemon Hill, Calaca Feliz (twice so far), The Belgian Cafe (twice), the crepe place, we took her on the train, and we're getting on a plane on Wednesday.
We don't get these months back. And I can't hold on to them forever. I will be like all the ladies at Josh's faculty party yesterday, eager to clutch at the babies of younger coworkers once mine is walking and walking.
I saw two moms at the park today, with two toddlers and a baby in the Ergo. The Ergo-mom was walking slowly, that new-mom walk, you could tell there was a sleep fog around her, that nothing could move very fast, that her back probably hurt all the time, and she was just _in it_. I see my neighbor, with her two month old, just starting to come out of this phase. Appearing to be together and yet mostly not together.
When I see toddlers, especially if they are girls with brown wavy hair, it's like a preview. The games and songs of the 2 year old next door are a preview. Our friends kids are a preview. All of a sudden we will be there. And all the past will be the past. So if I can just take enough pictures...and write down the memories...maybe that will be enough?
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